About a month ago I was on a date with a man. We were sitting on his bed and he asked me what exactly I was looking for. I told him that I was looking for the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in hopes that it ended in marriage. I also mentioned that I wasn’t in a rush nor trying to push into a relationship just for the sake of not being single. I still am in no rush and if it means I spend the next 10 years single then so be it…is what I repeatedly tell myself, but truthfully it’s a lie. I think about finding my person all the time because most days I’m sick of being single, but then I remember that when the right person comes along all this time spent alone won’t matter. (This is honestly one of the reasons I do so many things alone because one day it will inevitably come to an end.)
Back to my original point, spending all this time single has its ups and downs. The downs do indeed hurt, often times I find myself wondering what is so wrong me to be unlovable and then the avalanche of insecurities comes falling down. You see, I am a very much fake it till you make it kind of girl and I have become very good at hiding my own insecurities so much to the point that sometimes I have to think really hard to even remember them….yes yes I know I sound so fucking annoying…even I hear it “oo boo-hoo she can’t even think of any insecurities.” Anyways, I know there is nothing truly wrong with me, I know that ultimately no matter how well I hide some of them are never going to go away, especially when it comes to my body.
In 2020, I began my weight loss journey and I’ve lost over 100 pounds which is amazing and is and always will be one of my greatest accomplishments, but there are many days when I look in the mirror and I’m still not happy with what I see. The times I do feel good about my body are when I’m covered in clothes, very baggy clothes…but as soon as those clothes come off and I fear looking in the mirror because of the body I see. I see the stretch marks that run across my stomach. I see the skin hanging down, creating a frowny face with my belly button even my stomach is sad with the reflection she sees). I thought losing the weight would help my body image, but in reality I’m harsher with my body than I’ve ever been…the worst part is my tits…I used to have great tits…they were melons in all honestly and now all that’s left is a low hanging sack with a nipple at the bottom. A great image…who wouldn’t kill to see me naked?
The worst part is that when I was at my smallest, I sexualized myself greatly. I would post myself half naked any chance I could get…with of course saying that I was body positive so then its not objectifying myself, but the truth is that I did it for attention. I loved seeing how mmuch attention I could get from men. I thought if men loved what they saw and I was good in bed, then I would automatically obtain a man, but that’s not the case. I realized very early on that men would literally fuck pole if they could, so they didn’t care what I looked like they just simply wanted to get their dick wet.
And then the worst realization came…it wasn’t the way I looked that kept me single, rather it was my personality…talk about heartbreak and a fucking identity crisis. I thought losing weight would fix all my problems…BUT NOOOOOO!!! IT DID FUCKING NOT!!! I just have new problems now, one of which is trying to figure out who the fuck I truly am and that is an impossible task if you ask me.