11/28/2024:
I’ve cried more this year than I have in my entire life. I cried half-way to the top of Cadillac Mountain today while staring off into the ocean, while hearing “I’m not that girl” from the Wicked movie, and finally on my drive home in a snow storm.
I was never much of a crier as a child, rather I was scolded for showing any type of emotion on my face. Every time I cried, I was told to stop, or I would be sent to my room. So, during my adult life I have rarely cried, and I have always been so envious of people who just outwardly can.
I feel like I bottled up all my emotions and I wish so badly I could let them out. It always looked so appealing to me. Now I’ve been crying and there is something so healing about it. It’s like every time I cry, I always smile because it was something I’ve been unable to do for so long. My ex used to tell me to stop being so hard and if I kept living this way then I would hate the person I was. Lately I think I’ve become soft, not only with my emotions but also with my actions. I’m not angry anymore and I cry when I want to cry.
It’s been such an out of body experience to watch myself heal…things that used to boil my blood don’t even phase me anymore. I don’t just go on an angry tangent because someone didn’t rinse a dish before putting it in the sink. It’s odd, when you stop being angry and realize that anger will always be a secondary emotion. And you cry because you finally realized the reason you’ve been so angry is because you hated yourself and felt like the world dealt you the shittiest hand. So instead of lashing out you start crying, crying for your younger self that was never allowed to. And you bawl and bawl until every ounce of tears have fallen out of your eyes because it’s better to feel than be angry. I never thought the ability to cry would be something to help heal me, but slowly it is.
Also, I would like to add that this is the first Thanksgiving I’ve spent alone and actually been happy, so maybe I really am healing, and that is so scary, but so wonderful all at the same time.