I didn’t think about my mom yesterday. Today, as I was reading a book in my office, that thought crossed my mind. I hadn’t thought about my mom for a whole twenty-four hours. I never imagined a day would come when I wouldn’t think about her.
The book I’m reading is called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. From the title, one could assume I’m trying to find forgiveness for something I can’t seem to forget. It’s the day my mom no longer wanted me. I was sixteen, and nine years later, that day still haunts me. It’s like that day is forever intertwined in each fold of my brain.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to change—like, actually change. I had this realization while I was on a date. For so many years, I’ve thought that no one wanted to be with me because I wasn’t worth anything, so I would constantly push people away. I now realize that’s my internalized perception of myself. It’s the burden my mom left on me, making me think, if my own mother couldn’t love me, then who would?
I don’t want to think like that anymore. I want to be able to love endlessly and be loved endlessly. The only way I can do that is to forgive my mom and let go of the hold she’s had on my brain for the last nine years. Even further, I need to forgive myself— forgive myself for all the harm I’ve caused myself with this toxic mindset.
So, I started praying. I don’t pray often, or ever, and I’m really unsure of my stance on God, but I didn’t think it could hurt. I feel like this pain is so much bigger than something I can forgive on my own, so I asked for help. The book also talks about faith and how it can help you learn forgiveness. It’s ironic because when I bought the book, I had no idea it would mention God; I just read the title and bought it blindly.
Anyway, I didn’t think about my mom for once in my life, and that’s a good thing. For some, it may seem odd, but for me, it’s a twenty-four hour victory.