October 22, 2024:
Sadly, I hate to say it, but I’m not doing well. I’ve never been so homesick in my entire life and I’ve never felt more dead on the inside. The weather gets cold, and I’m done for. I’m already wearing thermals here in Maine because mother nature decided that it should be below freezing and have a chance of snow every week. The southern in me is unable to handle this type of disgusting cold. I may even have to give in and buy hot hands in bulk…just so I can feel my hands again. It was even mentioned that I should start taking vitamin D, just so seasonal depression doesn’t hit as hard. Crazy how the sun shines, but I’m unable to absorb the vital vitamins I need.
As much as I love the fall for all the colorful leaves, all it reminds me of is that the holidays are coming and unsurprisingly, I will be working. I’ve worked every holiday since my mom kicked me out. If I work then at least I can’t be that lonely because my client needs me at least. Fuck I hate holidays, just a constant reminder that I don’t have family and everyone gets all the warm and fuzzies inside and I get to wipe ass. This will be 8 years since I spent a holiday with my family, and every year you would think it would get easier and in some ways it does, but undoubtedly it always breaks my heart. The selfish part in me hates watching my friends be loved and happy during the holidays, but I know it’s not their fault and they’re not to blame, but I’m so fucking jealous. Why couldn’t my family love me…I’m one of three children and the only one that got outcasted. Makes me wonder what’s wrong with me…and I know there isn’t anything detrimentally wrong, but damn I do feel that way at times.
The cherry on top is that I failed my 75 day challenge yesterday. I was on day 56 and just didn’t workout. I couldn’t convince myself it was worth it anymore and a little part of me wants to fall off the deep end. I mean I’m slightly there already, I bought a vape, but on the other hand I did convince myself to shower this morning so that’s a small victory. The downfall is that I’ve maybe eaten one meal in the last two days and have been chugging caffeine like crazy, and I can slowly feel my body breaking down. I wake up and everything hurts. I can feel the stomach acid building up, but to convince myself to eat is just not a priority right now. I’d rather just complain even though I know I can fix my problem by being the perfect girl I parade myself around to be.
A “beautiful”, “strong”, “amazing”, “intelligent” girl that I am or everyone says I am at least. Well guess what? I am actually very sad on the inside. Shocking, right? With everything I post online, well I only post what I approve of and you’ll never see the amount of times I’ve crawled onto the floor and stared at the ceiling just to feel something and two tears fall out of each eye (I realized I am incapable of crying more than two droplets.) I sometimes envy the down pour of emotion people are able to have when they bawl…it must feel so nice for that release. I only bawl my eyes out like that when a dog or human dies and it’s been two years since I actually cried. Not even my sad playlist that’s been on repeat is able to make me cry. But man, I do love sad songs.
I still fear that one day everyone will figure out that I’m just a sad girl on the inside. I don’t want to be this sad and don’t get me wrong I have happy moments, but internally I don’t exactly feel happy…I actually feel very disappointed in myself, but I guess this is just a low right now and I’ll look back a couple of weeks from now and wonder what the fuck I was complaining about. That’s the circle of life, isn’t it? Happy then sad then happy again? A little yin with your yang.