How to Start Over, Again and Again

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What if I told you I wasn’t doing well? What if I told you that I’ve thrown up 4 times this week? What if I told you that I don’t see myself getting better? What if I told you that I’m terrified for my well-being? 

I sat on my patio tonight smoking a cigarette that I went way out of my way to buy. I sat there chaining smoking 8 cigarettes staring at the Irving’s gas station, trying to remind myself that a day will come that I’ll miss this time in my life, but I don’t see that happening right now. I won’t miss this feeling of loneliness I feel right now. I just don’t see myself going anywhere. I feel like I made the wrong decision moving to a city where no one knows me. I feel lonely all the time, chasing highs that don’t even feel so high anymore. All I feel are bottomless lows and I don’t know how I am going to save myself right now. 

I look back all my old photos of places and faces I used to spend endless days with, and I miss it. I’m homesick. 

My stomach is killing me…my head hurts, my body feels like shit. All do to my own doing. Why do I do this? Am I chasing somethings that’s unattainable? What if I don’t get better? I am so tired of feeling the need to get better. I just want to sleep all day every day. I just want to crawl into bed and disappear. 

I started in home care again tonight and the moment me and my elderly client started talking it felt like I was at peace in my soul…the last time I felt this way was I walked into a lab for the first time after being out of college for a year…it’s funny that as you get older you start to learn the things that feed your soul and the peace that comes with it. Younger me would have never imagined my life like this, but I still think she’d think I was pretty cool…it’s called the beauty in living and the only way you can find these things is by living it one day at a time. 

I brushed my teeth for the first time in a week and decided to drink something other than caffeine today. To say I haven’t been doing well is an understatement. So, let’s have honesty hour. I failed at my 75 Hard Challenge…I made it to 56 days and then last Monday I decided to say fuck it and didn’t workout at all. After failing I was able to drink and I drank from Wednesday-Saturday making sure not a single drop went to waste. The cherry on top was the fact that I also bought a vape, meaning everything I gave up I simply just picked up within a couple days. And of course I’m disappointed, but sadly I couldn’t care less.

I mean my schoolwork hasn’t suffered any…everything I absolutely have to do is getting done, I just don’t care about my mental health and that’s okay for right now. During this little pitfall I even learned how to code in R to do my statistical analysis for my research and I’ve lowkey been having a great time doing it. A little wine with mix of a multiway Anova…don’t mind if I do. 

I actually enjoy falling off the deep end sometimes, because I can tell you in this moment that I may drink to the brim this weekend, but after that I’ll be back on my shit. I just occasionally need go on a two week hiatus. That’s my idea of balance. 

I’m tired of being sad, but I don’t know how not be sad. Usually, my phases of sadness last about a week or so and then I jump right back on the horse, but it’s been a month since I fell off on everything I cared about and I just don’t see that changing. Every night I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and that I’ll do better. Then every day I wake up and I feel like shit. I don’t want to be better and I can’t see myself ending this cycle right now. I laugh it off all the time and pretend that everything going to change, but right now I can’t see it. It’s the first time in my life I don’t see myself wanting to be better. 

I don’t know…I’ve never felt this way and it’s hard for me to explain. It’s like I’m encased in this bubble and I’m looking down at myself. I see the girl I was a couple years ago sitting at the bottom and she’s not fighting anymore. She used to be the sparkle that got me through the day, but now she’s curled up in a ball. 

The truth is that I need to save myself, but I couldnt care less about it. I want to be doing bad, which is so fucking lame to say. 

The truth is that sometimes you’re not going to be doing well…it’s inevitable, but what makes the biggest difference is the habits you create. I never knew that four years ago when I started my fitness journey that all the habits I created would carry into my life as far as they have. I’ve been on a mental low for four weeks and last week I decided to start moving my body again and low and behold I remember why I started in the first place. 

When I first started my only goal was to lose weight, but as my weightloss has plateaued I started working out to feel good. The endorphins are reals and its crazy how much they can alter your mood. I never thought working out would aid so much in my happiness, but every time I go a couple days or weeks without movement, I can mentally feel the toll. 

All it took was one day running outside to remind me that my life is worth living and not rotting in bed. So maybe I wasn’t doing well for four weeks, but so what? I don’t regret rotting in bed…I’m actually kind of proud of myself for being able to accept my pitfalls and still being able to start fresh with myself on any given day. It’s knowing that one day when you leave the bed, that life will indeed be GOOD again!