I’m scared that I’m going to regret all the time I haven’t spoken to my mom when I die…I just feel like a daughter should have her mother, but she makes me feel like shit. I’m constantly asked by new people why I don’t speak with my mother, and I’m usually able to dodge the question fairly quickly, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sit there and think about it once their gone. I think about it all the time. Why doesn’t my mother want to be a part of my life? Why out of the three kids was I the one to be cut loose? Why did everyone pick a side and I was left all by myself? Why would the family that raised me for 16 years make me feel so unloved, especially my own mother? What’s the point in saying “I love you” after the random phone call when my world is falling apart? Would it be easier if she was dead?
Sometimes, I can barely look in the mirror because I look so much like my mother. I avoid looking in the mirror when I wear olive green. She wore it every night of my childhood, and it’s vividly engraved in my mind. I can barely remember what her voice sounds like and when I do it’s just her saying my name in a disciplinary tone, which I didn’t even realize until now, and that’s kinda sad.
My mom broke my heart before anyone else ever had the chance…crazy right? Every day I wonder if I’ve truly healed or if I just tell myself that. I have no idea what love is supposed to look like and as much as I love to walk around and say that I love myself…I don’t know if I do. I like the person I am, but I don’t know if I love her. I hate having such a convoluted relationship with love…I thought that shit was supposed to be simple. I find it infuriating that my childhood ruined my conception of love. It’s the most fucked up part of myself and it bleeds into so many aspects of my life, and rewiring my brain seems nearly impossible.