9/29/2024:
I went on a hike today. This was one of the hardest hikes you can do in Acadia National Park, and I will attest that it is a very difficult hike. Not only physically demanding, but my fear of heights was kicking my ass as we were approaching the top. Two of my friends from college tagged along—one man who just runs and jumps up mountains like a fucking fairy, and one woman who was exceeding her limits with this hike. I knew after the first rung that this shit was going to be a rough day, but what I didn’t realize was the mental battle I was about to face with my past perception of myself.
The girl that came along is very close to the size and weight I was when I started my weight loss journey, and watching her struggle to hike made me realize just how far I’ve come. I never realized how much losing weight had truly impacted my life for the better—things as simple as my stomach not being in the way when I have to take a large step up onto a rock. I hadn’t thought about the rungs being difficult or not being able to fit through rock tunnels. My body moves so differently now, and I hadn’t even stopped to realize it. All I ever cared about was how I looked in the mirror.
Here come the negative parts—the part I hate about myself. I’ve always prided myself on not caring about what people look like or judging them based on their body, but today I did. Having to climb up this hill at a snail’s pace and constantly taking breaks was killing my patience, and all my mind could do was judge her for being overweight. I HATE THAT. She is a spitting image of the girl I used to be.
How could I be so mean? That was me. That’s the girl who went to the gym religiously, counted every calorie, and instilled every habit I have now to look the way I do. How could I think such awful things? The weight was never the real problem.
It’s so easy to pretend that we don’t judge and be positive all the time. I thought all my judgment of larger people was null—that I only expressed them about myself—but that’s not true. My fatphobia runs much deeper than I realized. I may be thinner now, but I am no better of a human than when I started.
That is one awful realization.