6/22/2024:
Okay, ladies, let’s have a conversation. Why is it that when things are going so well, I want to call my ex? I mean, seriously, it’s like when everything is going so smoothly, I need to be torn down by a man…a very insignificant man. Maybe I’ll call it self-sabotage, but why can’t I even control myself? This could also be due to the fact that I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine, but still…what is it about a good life and a shitty man? Does having a shitty man validate how I really feel about myself? Now, that is depressing…I don’t ever want those words to cross my mind again.
I mean, seriously, what was I doing… searching for a man so far in my past that his phone number wasn’t even his anymore? How down bad must one be to Google search a man who put me through a whole-ass court case? Call it dumb and in love or just plain fucking stupid…PLAIN FUCKING STUPID!
We all sit here and want to ask if we are strong, independent women, but one sip of alcohol and all hell breaks loose. I mean, I guess I never cared about my pride anyway. The sad thing is that I don’t think my pride can take a hit since I moved 20 hours away from home. Not like I could just run back or anything. The worst that could happen is feeling lonely, and indeed I did. And this time, it wasn’t just that I was alone, this time I was in fact lonely and wished I hadn’t taken that first sip of alcohol. The only thing that could fix me now was a good night’s rest, but it wasn’t even 8 pm yet.
So I sat, and sat, and sat, until I could convince myself to get up and do the dishes before taking my night meds and brushing my teeth.