I threw your ring in the river today. You know the one you gave me when you asked me to marry you? The one you welded with a ruby stone, that fits perfectly on my ring finger? Or better yet, the ring you gave to me before you held me at gun point? You remember the one?
I’m drinking right now, and I hate myself for how much I want to call you right now. You tried to end my life and I still want to call you? I hate how much I loved you. It’s the worst part of me. Even now I hate myself more for the fact that I’m thinking of you. You baited me just enough each and every time so I would keep coming back until it became a court case.
I hate that you were the first man in my life I ever lived with. I gave up everything for you. I completely lost myself to you, so much to the point where I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I watched the scale go down as I starved myself just so you would want me, just to be thrown down a set of stairs. I bet that was easier since I had lost about 60 lbs.
It kills me inside how much you infected me. It’s been two and a half years and I can still feel the trauma run through my blood. It bleeds into every relationship I try to form, whether that be with friends or lovers.
I keep trying to fix myself and fight for my mentality everyday, but there you come again, looming in the back of my mind…it’s like you never left. You’re imprinted in my mind, making me think that you’ll be the only person that’s able to love me.
The ups and downs of a relationships are normal, but being pinned to the wall while you spit in my face and tell my existence is worthless it not normal. You made me believe that’s love. You remind me of my father and I refuse to be showered with gifts to make me believe I’m loved. So as much as I want to remove you from my blocked list and call you, just for a sudden high, I won’t. So I’ll write, because moving backwards will only push you farther from the future and I deserve every bit of happiness without you. You are no longer everything to me, I am.