Why is it that every time my period is even slightly late, I like to think I’m pregnant? It could be one day, and immediately my mind believes that I’m carrying a child. It’s like I jump to worst-case scenarios every time. One of the reasons I hate being a woman. Don’t get me wrong—I love being a woman most of the time, and I could never stand to be a man. But man, if I could throw my uterus away until I actually wanted one, I would.
I couldn’t imagine being a man. I love my femininity. I love playing dress-up in my room, doing pre-shower makeup, and the tea parties that I now call dinner parties. I know men can do this as well, but nothing will ever beat being a woman. If I could spend my days in the kitchen making cookies and bread, I would. Feed my tiny little humans until the day I die. I would tend to my garden and talk to my chicken, which I named Gerald. Such a beautiful, simple dream.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I love my independence, and I love that I have the ability to earn my degree. But that’s never been my full dream. Then again, what do I know about dreams? I was brainwashed into thinking I wanted to be a doctor my whole life, knowing deep down inside that it never felt right.
Now look at me…I’m spending my days writing in my silly little journal and posting it for the whole internet to read. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: “Sometimes the person you want to be and the person you’re MEANT to be can be very different.” And I live by it. I’d rather die happy than fight to be someone I never wanted to be. Is this what it’s like when you turn twenty-five and your frontal lobe develops?
Side note: The day I listened to a podcast, the speaker insisted that your twenties are the worst years of your life because your life basically turns upside down and you have no idea who you are. For some odd reason, I found comfort in the fact that she said that. I mean, I’m only halfway through my twenties, but it’s been a shit show, to say the least. It makes it feel like growing up isn’t that scary, and there’s so much better yet to come.