“Anything to feel alive.”
The past two years, I haven’t been able to get this out of my mind. I will do absolutely anything to feel alive… whether it be standing on the edge or swimming in the ocean in the middle of the night. Because, why the hell not?
But I can’t help but ask myself why I care so much… I don’t know why I care so much. Maybe it’s because I’m so scared of dying without truly living. Maybe it’s the fear that I’ll never be happy, or maybe it’s the fear that guilt will eat me alive for leaving my family behind. So, I don’t allow myself to be happy. Whatever it is… it sucks.
I hate feeling the need to feel alive, like I’m not already living. I have such a beautiful life and so many wonderful friends, but I always feel like something is missing. So, I chase highs like crazy, trying to make my life one worth living. But why? Why am I sitting here crying?
I’m on a plane back to Maine, after going on an amazing bachelorette trip, and I can’t stop crying. Maybe it’s because I have to go back to the terrible cold after being burnt to a crisp in the Sunshine State.
I’m so scared that no one will ever see me for who I truly am, but maybe that’s my own fault. I’m scared that if people knew what really goes on in my head, they’d know I’m definitely a piece of work. But maybe that’s just what I think of myself.
Wow, I hate this… I feel like I’m just going through the same circle over and over again in my head. Ugh. My head is spinning. I miss my bed.
It’s like I’m restlessly chasing something I can’t obtain, and it’s exhausting… I just want to live. I want to be free. I want to feel free…